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The Struggle of a Girl who likes a Boy who also likes Boys

Not your typical love story because a girl woke up and fell in love with a gay sweetheart. It’s a tough journey.

I’m a bisexual girl who happens to like girls a lot. I had two ex girlfriends and zero boyfriends in the past though I dated a few guys too. For the past years, some people considered me as lesbian already as my interest in men almost hit the rock bottom while women gets my attention effortlessly. As I get to meet more people and evaluate myself, I kinda realize maybe I’m demisexual or something. It’s so easy to be interested with anyone but it’s a different story to fall in love with someone.

I have this circle of friends at school called marupoks whom I am badly attached and close to. We go on adventures together, share little secrets, get drunk, sneak out, cry together and I have to say that there is one special person in my circle, let’s name him ‘K’.

Let’s drop the bomb, K is gay. Not the guy looking gay but he is very gay. The moment he speaks, the moment he moves, the moment you hear him, you know he is that gay. So cute.

In our circle, we have bisexual guys too who acts feminine too but I have to say that K is the girliest of them all, maybe even girlier than the other real girls in our squad lol. Still cute.

K and I? We weren’t really close. We share jokes — he is witty and very funny — and stories and hang out but we’re not that tight. If you leave us together in a room — just us — there might be some awkward silence. You know?

I don’t really pay attention to him that much, he was just a normal school friend before though there are times he is there drinking with me and some of our mutuals, he heard my tragic story about my ex girlfriend, he heard the complicated stuffs about me and my love life and my mind bleh. He’s a good listener in my opinion, but then one day I woke up and asked myself: He always listen, not just to me but to each of the squad’s stories, but did I ever try to listen to him? That’s the time I started to notice him.

His eyelashes are so long, his skin glows, it fascinates me to stare at him when he talks. Our squad is composed of about 11 members so it’s kinda hard to speak in big groups, some won’t pay attention, some gets distracted, some may not even know you’re speaking but when he speaks, I try my best to listen. And then I knew a little bit about his story.

He’s either sleeping or laughing or smiling. But then behind those happy and sleepy bean, there is another book.

A broken family that he keeps wishing to be complete again. Struggles in life to survive this cruel world. He needed to work while studying to help his family and himself. Jeez. I can’t imagine myself being in such situation considering that I am so lazy and my family are well and stable, we never really had financial problems or anything related to that.

I remember what K said, he was like the mother and father to his own family. Masyadong maaga pa but he had no choice. Sucks. Now he works at a fast food chain — Jollibee, my favorite, lol!

You know what’s so fascinating about it? He loves his work. I don’t think it’s just because of the money he earns from it but he is that appreciative kind of person. Maybe he appreciates his colleagues, his manager, the fast food chain itself, the operations, the memories that he learned to naturally love what he is doing. Imagine that? Instead of cursing and going like “Hay nako may duty nanaman ako.” He goes like “May duty ako.” There’s a difference.

I can feel his passion and care for the place he works on. It’s amusing and sweet at the same time. He is really appreciative of things — very.

He also do sidelines to earn, that’s so diligent of him. I remember him selling coin banks. Ang sipag samantalang ako tamad tamad. Lol! He is also a student council treasurer of our school’s organization ACES-PICE. Btw, he won the elections by a super landslide (I’m so proud! He deserves all the votes yessssss!!) He hosts civil engineering events on our school too even without any talent fee — just love. Ain’t he the nicest?

Last year, November 2018 we had a ball and he hosted it. He had a co-host and it irked me to hear that there was an instance where a student officer handed a food for his co-host and had nothing for K. Jesus. What the actual fuck? She even asked K to hand the food to his co-host.

Man, I saw all K’s efforts for that whole week, for that whole event, he hosted the event without asking for any fee but to treat him like that, like “Wag ka na bigyan ng pagkain, sayang budget.

Where’s the appreciation? Where’s the consideration.

Ano ba naman yung kahit food nalang oh. Sick. Don’t get me wrong but that student officer is a trash. Sorry not sorry. I’m so angry lol.

As a busy officer that night, I still managed to eat at the buffet, K was so occupied with the hosting and the only time he was able to munch something was when I brought my plate backstage and he had a few bites of my food. I hate that I wasn’t able to do anything for him that time. Ugh.

After that night, I appreciated him more as a person. I didn’t have heavy feelings yet but I barely noticed that the path I was taking was on the way there.

I started with throwing banats and cheesy jokes on him on our group chat. Our friends laugh at us a lot because I am their friend that they can’t imagine being with a guy more because I AM THAT INTO GIRLS FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE and K is so gay that he’s like created by the heavens for a guy. Then it went on and on then one day I realized, I really like this person.

I went crazy. I locked myself in a room and evaluated myself and my feelings. Maybe I’m lost? It’s just a crush but no it wasn’t JUST a crush. I kept it for myself for a while. I never saw it coming — me liking a friend who is gay who is biologically a man. That is like against all my rules and against the norm.

I remained silent. I didn’t want to make things awkward but people were right. The more you hide what you feel, the more it demands to manifest.

Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell someone about it and I told one of the marupoks, Abbi, about it (love her). She was startled because as I’ve said, it was against all my rules and the norm but she is the most understanding and open minded person in our group, she knew how great K is and there is literally nothing not to like about him.

Then I continued to keep all my feelings to myself. Some of the squad started to ask me who am I blushing to, who is my crush but I kept it hidden and when I drop K’s name, they won’t take it seriously. I thought it was a good coincidence.

I gave him a polo top as a Christmas gift from H&M. I thought of buying it because I remember one time he showed me a polo top from a shop (I forgot) and he looked so amused by it. Hindi naman siya maluho that’s why I thought it wouldn’t hurt to buy him something he can use and might like, right?

Man, it’s been ages since I felt that feeling. You know? Going to a mall and thinking what is a good thing to buy for him? This looks good on him? He might like this. I forgot myself and that’s so rare.

My friends think I’m joking whenever I put efforts for K but the truth is I’m actually expressing. I thought maybe K would find it as a joke too because I’ve been very playful with him ever since but then as days go by, I don’t know if I’m getting off guard or if he is just that sensitive to notice. Some of them started to worry about me.

Baka masaktan ka.

‘pag ikaw umiyak—

Control control lang.

I always tell them he’s just my happy crush but I knew I was in love.

Continue reading The Struggle of a Girl who likes a Boy who also likes Boys

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