The Struggle of a Girl who likes a Boy who also likes Boys

Not your typical love story because a girl woke up and fell in love with a gay sweetheart. It’s a tough journey.

I’m a bisexual girl who happens to like girls a lot. I had two ex girlfriends and zero boyfriends in the past though I dated a few guys too. For the past years, some people considered me as lesbian already as my interest in men almost hit the rock bottom while women gets my attention effortlessly. As I get to meet more people and evaluate myself, I kinda realize maybe I’m demisexual or something. It’s so easy to be interested with anyone but it’s a different story to fall in love with someone.

I have this circle of friends at school called marupoks whom I am badly attached and close to. We go on adventures together, share little secrets, get drunk, sneak out, cry together and I have to say that there is one special person in my circle, let’s name him ‘K’.

Let’s drop the bomb, K is gay. Not the guy looking gay but he is very gay. The moment he speaks, the moment he moves, the moment you hear him, you know he is that gay. So cute.

In our circle, we have bisexual guys too who acts feminine too but I have to say that K is the girliest of them all, maybe even girlier than the other real girls in our squad lol. Still cute.

K and I? We weren’t really close. We share jokes — he is witty and very funny — and stories and hang out but we’re not that tight. If you leave us together in a room — just us — there might be some awkward silence. You know?

I don’t really pay attention to him that much, he was just a normal school friend before though there are times he is there drinking with me and some of our mutuals, he heard my tragic story about my ex girlfriend, he heard the complicated stuffs about me and my love life and my mind bleh. He’s a good listener in my opinion, but then one day I woke up and asked myself: He always listen, not just to me but to each of the squad’s stories, but did I ever try to listen to him? That’s the time I started to notice him.

His eyelashes are so long, his skin glows, it fascinates me to stare at him when he talks. Our squad is composed of about 11 members so it’s kinda hard to speak in big groups, some won’t pay attention, some gets distracted, some may not even know you’re speaking but when he speaks, I try my best to listen. And then I knew a little bit about his story.

He’s either sleeping or laughing or smiling. But then behind those happy and sleepy bean, there is another book.

A broken family that he keeps wishing to be complete again. Struggles in life to survive this cruel world. He needed to work while studying to help his family and himself. Jeez. I can’t imagine myself being in such situation considering that I am so lazy and my family are well and stable, we never really had financial problems or anything related to that.

I remember what K said, he was like the mother and father to his own family. Masyadong maaga pa but he had no choice. Sucks. Now he works at a fast food chain — Jollibee, my favorite, lol!

You know what’s so fascinating about it? He loves his work. I don’t think it’s just because of the money he earns from it but he is that appreciative kind of person. Maybe he appreciates his colleagues, his manager, the fast food chain itself, the operations, the memories that he learned to naturally love what he is doing. Imagine that? Instead of cursing and going like “Hay nako may duty nanaman ako.” He goes like “May duty ako.” There’s a difference.

I can feel his passion and care for the place he works on. It’s amusing and sweet at the same time. He is really appreciative of things — very.

He also do sidelines to earn, that’s so diligent of him. I remember him selling coin banks. Ang sipag samantalang ako tamad tamad. Lol! He is also a student council treasurer of our school’s organization ACES-PICE. Btw, he won the elections by a super landslide (I’m so proud! He deserves all the votes yessssss!!) He hosts civil engineering events on our school too even without any talent fee — just love. Ain’t he the nicest?

Last year, November 2018 we had a ball and he hosted it. He had a co-host and it irked me to hear that there was an instance where a student officer handed a food for his co-host and had nothing for K. Jesus. What the actual fuck? She even asked K to hand the food to his co-host.

Man, I saw all K’s efforts for that whole week, for that whole event, he hosted the event without asking for any fee but to treat him like that, like “Wag ka na bigyan ng pagkain, sayang budget.

Where’s the appreciation? Where’s the consideration.

Ano ba naman yung kahit food nalang oh. Sick. Don’t get me wrong but that student officer is a trash. Sorry not sorry. I’m so angry lol.

As a busy officer that night, I still managed to eat at the buffet, K was so occupied with the hosting and the only time he was able to munch something was when I brought my plate backstage and he had a few bites of my food. I hate that I wasn’t able to do anything for him that time. Ugh.

After that night, I appreciated him more as a person. I didn’t have heavy feelings yet but I barely noticed that the path I was taking was on the way there.

I started with throwing banats and cheesy jokes on him on our group chat. Our friends laugh at us a lot because I am their friend that they can’t imagine being with a guy more because I AM THAT INTO GIRLS FOR ALMOST MY WHOLE LIFE and K is so gay that he’s like created by the heavens for a guy. Then it went on and on then one day I realized, I really like this person.

I went crazy. I locked myself in a room and evaluated myself and my feelings. Maybe I’m lost? It’s just a crush but no it wasn’t JUST a crush. I kept it for myself for a while. I never saw it coming — me liking a friend who is gay who is biologically a man. That is like against all my rules and against the norm.

I remained silent. I didn’t want to make things awkward but people were right. The more you hide what you feel, the more it demands to manifest.

Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell someone about it and I told one of the marupoks, Abbi, about it (love her). She was startled because as I’ve said, it was against all my rules and the norm but she is the most understanding and open minded person in our group, she knew how great K is and there is literally nothing not to like about him.

Then I continued to keep all my feelings to myself. Some of the squad started to ask me who am I blushing to, who is my crush but I kept it hidden and when I drop K’s name, they won’t take it seriously. I thought it was a good coincidence.

I gave him a polo top as a Christmas gift from H&M. I thought of buying it because I remember one time he showed me a polo top from a shop (I forgot) and he looked so amused by it. Hindi naman siya maluho that’s why I thought it wouldn’t hurt to buy him something he can use and might like, right?

Man, it’s been ages since I felt that feeling. You know? Going to a mall and thinking what is a good thing to buy for him? This looks good on him? He might like this. I forgot myself and that’s so rare.

My friends think I’m joking whenever I put efforts for K but the truth is I’m actually expressing. I thought maybe K would find it as a joke too because I’ve been very playful with him ever since but then as days go by, I don’t know if I’m getting off guard or if he is just that sensitive to notice. Some of them started to worry about me.

Baka masaktan ka.

‘pag ikaw umiyak—

Control control lang.

I always tell them he’s just my happy crush but I knew I was in love.

HOW WEIRD IS MY LOVE FOR K?

I knew I was when I thought about rejection but I was ready for the pain he might cause and I wasn’t afraid of it. I knew I was in love when I didn’t care if he tells me he doesn’t feel the same way because the only thing I want is for him to know.

I didn’t want him to know because I want to oblige him to love me back or to pressure him to reciprocate what I do, I just wanted him to know that there is someone believing in him, there is someone appreciating him, there is someone out there loving him for who he is because that’s what he deserves.

You deserve all the love in the world.

I always tell him.

He said he was so touched when I said it to him the first time but I always wonder why nobody has told him that yet or why isn’t there anyone reminding him that? Jesus. He’s so wonderful, it hurts.

Ever since I had my heart broken from my first girlfriend, I’ve been very wary of the people I date and people I get interested to. My walls went so high, I may get interested but when I see one flaw in the person I date, I tend to just choose giving up and stopping everything because I was traumatized by my past. I was destroyed when I gave almost everything to my former love, courted her for half a year even if she was straight. Nabasted for a couple of times but I thought she was worth the struggles, I won her but then she just ended up cheating on me after being with me for two years. I just find it hard to be interested with someone and trust them completely. I was tainted, I had trust issues with everyone thinking they will just all end up hurting me like my ex.

I dated a lot of people but honestly, I haven’t felt the strong admiration I had for my ex to anyone until K came along. He was special, even I was surprised.

Akala ko di na ako makakafeel ng ganitong kilig, ganitong devotion and determination for someone. I even wrote a song for him. He inspired me that much.

Man, I have so much words for him. He is perfectly imperfect and I love his assets and flaws — I don’t mind seeing more.

We already talked face to face.

He said he thinks I’m out of his league. I’m above him, he said. Then I told him “Eh I’m looking up to you.” Hoping he’ll realize that I am not in anyway out of his league and he is wonderful, don’t he ever dare to put himself down.

He said he doesn’t deserve me, I deserve someone better because he’s just him. Common line but I know my worth. I know what I deserve but put me out of the picture — YOU are the one who deserve so much more. You’re amazing.

He said when he knew that I liked him he was surprised, he couldn’t believe it. Then when I started to be vocal and showy about my feelings, he had no choice but to take it in and he confessed that it overwhelms him to have someone to put so much effort on him and he just couldn’t help but think of how to return the feelings, efforts and gifts. I told him I don’t need him to return all of that, I don’t need him to think HOW to reciprocate and return all of it, I just want him to think WHY I do all of those efforts and WHY I give him all those appreciation and surprises. Simple. Because he deserves to be treated that way, he deserves to be loved that way, he deserves to be spoiled that way.

He deserves more and all.

He once smiled with a face of disbelief as if everything he’s hearing was surreal, then he asked me bakit ako? Then I laughed because I couldn’t believe he had to ask why? Is life that shit to him that he doesn’t know how wonderful he is? I replied bakit hindi? He was silenced. I hope he realized his worth, bakit nga ba hindi?

Then I looked at him in the eye and told him how most of the people close to the both of us ask me why do I like him, it’s weird, it’s unusual but then I told him alam mo kung ano sagot ko? He asked what? I told him: What is not to like about him? What is not to like?

He once told me he is afraid to take risk and he doesn’t want to take risk because things might go out of hand and he doesn’t wanna hurt anyone or me. I told him it’s okay. He can reject me that very moment face to face and I will accept it. I told him I might be even proud na nabasted ako ng isang katulad niya knowing how great he is. I won’t be ashamed of it. He is really something to be proud of. Best thing I never had.

I told him not to worry about me. If he doesn’t like me back that’s okay. I saw it coming already, I was half ready for it. I won’t be lying but that shit hurts but what is pain? It heals and when it heals,it leaves scars and scars remind us of lessons.

I’m so enchanted. I’m in the state of wanting him so bad but I won’t complain if I won’t for as long as he is happy. I don’t care if he reciprocates the love or not for as long as I see him smile. My walls are down for him, kahit masaktan okay lang, I’m such a masochist but the pain he is inflicting on me reminds me that I still feel and I still know what love is — thank you for that.

I have no bad words for K. I’ll stick to my words. He is wonderful and I know whenever I get hurt because of him, it wasn’t his intention. His intentions are pure, I trust him so much that my guards are all down.

I admit it hurts me to think one day he might find someone else but then on a second thought, I won’t mind because seeing him happy is at the top of my list — masasaktan lang naman ako for a while pero at least siya forever na masaya if he finds his perfect pair, what’s so bad about that?

Nevertheless, after all the talks, I knew the feeling wasn’t mutual and that’s okay. I told him you can reject me everyday but I won’t stop putting efforts for you. Just because he didn’t feel the same way for me ibig sabihin he became less wonderful? E he deserves all the love nga ‘di ba? Why stop? Just because nasaktan naging hypocrite?

K is worth pursuing, K is worth fighting for.

I think he lost words already and he knew there is no way to change my mind about him so he just told me to just stay and we’ll try to get through it without being weird around each other. I agreed. Kinda hard at first but kakayanin dahil yon ang gusto ni crush. I’m just a puppy. Jk.

I told him to just let me appreciate him because I’m happy, if he’s in the state just not being ready, I can wait for him but alongside, I promised him that I’ll stop when he finds his perfect man — I won’t interfere, I’ll let go, life goes on. In return, I asked him to promise me to choose the one who will treat him the way he deserves.

NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS, K! YOU DESERVE ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD. 🙂

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